Love Will Tear Us Apart

I learned not long ago that the husband of a friend of mine decided to call it a marriage, and moved out of the home they had "built" together. They've been married less than three years, and have no children, so one could say that there wasn't much invested in their marriage.

Another friend revealed to me that her husband had been cheating on her, having sex with women he was finding on the Internet. They had a huge fight, she was hospitalized, and while she was medically indisposed, he moved himself, the kids, and all their furniture out of the house, got a restraining order against her (how, I don't know), and filed for divorce. Some might say that if he's that bad, she's better off not being married to him.

Answering both of these situations, I can only say that I am deeply saddened to see these marriages fail and the love that they represented die. Marriage is a major commitment. When you enter into that commitment, our legal system says that it's a partnership for life. Yes, you can end it before that, but it's no easy thing. Many states still have only for-fault divorce, requiring what I heard one divorce lawyer call "good reason" in order to end the relationship -- adultery, cruelty, and abandonment are the ones I remember at the moment. California has no-fault divorce -- the grounds for divorce in California are "irreconcilable differences leading to an irretrievable breakdown of the marriage." Or something pretty close to that, anyway. At any rate, the legal system in California seems to recognize that you don't have to assign blame. People change over time, and it's tragic when you can no longer count on the person you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with, but as I see it, little is gained from pointing fingers at each other.

My own marriage lasted a bit over eight years. I was unhappy for more than half of that. I think my ex-wife was too. We tried to make it work, but in the end, it was like trying to seize mercury. It's been over six years since we separated, and over four years since the marriage was formally ended with the decree. As QIR would agree if she were asked, I'm still healing.

Marriage is a wonderful idea. I think it's lovely when two people decide that they want to take on the roles and titles of Husband and Wife. Or Partners for Life. I don't believe in the whole "marriage is reserved for heterosexual couples" crap -- if you are willing to take on the legal responsibilities of marriage, you should get the legal benefits, regardless of what kind of plumbing you or your mate have. When it comes to application of the theory to me, I don't know if I can do it again. I like to think that maybe, someday, I could. I know QIR would love that.

And to the friends I referred to at the top of this post, you'll both make it through this.